Summer always presents the same age-old question to all domesticated felines: birds. What does one do with birds? Enchanting songs, yet so tasty. Their music is unmatchable in beauty, but when one lands, the urge to pounce is so overwhelming. This question obviously leaves cats with two answers: just leave the birds alone and enjoy their carols, or follow you instincts and pounce.
Being a more classy, sophisticated cat, I lean more towards the former. As I spend the majority of my days inside the Catnasium, I do not come across the opportunity to pounce on many birds often. When the opportunity does arise, I suppress my instincts. Mainly because if I scared all the birds away, I could not listen to them as I rule over the Animal Den.
My thoughts towards birds are one more example of me not being an ordinary cat. Normality is beneath me. Now I must go. The Animal Den has been busy during these first few weeks of summer, and I cannot leave anything unsupervised for long.
The entire country has tuned in to witness the NCAA Tournament. Basketball is a little too robust for me; however, I don’t mind getting in the sporty spirit for a few weeks. Some people might call a cat like me a “bandwagon jumper”. This is not the case as I do support the same few teams every year.
Yes. Teams. I root for multiple teams and have not yet decided on just one. To me, the animals representing the teams are very important. I am currently supporting the Kentucky Wildcats and the Arizona Wildcats. Despite my reputation as a rather sophisticated feline, I can stoop to being a wildcat for a few games. Just as long as the Kansas Jayhawks fail to win. Seeing a bird win with wildcats in the tournament would be embarrassing.
It might surprise some people to know that I am not against dogs winning. The Butler Bulldogs or the Gonzaga Bulldogs would not bother me, as I have learned to tolerate dogs here at the Animal Den. Just as long as the Jayhawks lose I will be quite pleased.
In my brief experience watching sports, I have realized that when I choose one team to win, they never win. On the other hand, the odds are much better about choosing a team to lose. So even though I would prefer one of the Wildcats to win, my main objective of watching is to watch the Jayhawks lose.
The puppy bowl has come and gone. Over the past few weeks I have put some thought into the puppy bowl, and I ended up coming to a strange revelation: why do dogs get all the attention on Super Bowl Sunday while cats are practically ignored?
Explain why puppies bouncing, playing, and running around with their tongues lolling out are entertainment for humans. Kittens are just as cute and twice as amusing to watch. Think about it. Have you ever seen a puppy scale silken draperies, only to launch himself from curtain rod to fireplace mantle without a sound? A misstep? A broken, cracked, chipped anything? Admittedly, when it comes to football, puppies are better at grabbing toys and dragging them to the in-zone. I get it, I really do. But why punish cats for their leanings towards more sophisticated play? Do I have any entrepreneurs in the house tonight? Ever thought about a kitty bowl, an event–perhaps fishing?–established for felines?
Since humans are not quite as intelligent as felines, I thought I would take a smidgen of my time to discuss commonly-believed theories regarding cats for the purpose of enlightening mankind.
Humans tend to believe that “cats always land on their feet.” Now, as we are one of the most agile creatures, I would not venture so far as to say this is completely false. We are able to twist around very quickly in the air while falling, which has been named a “righting reflex”. I prefer to think of it as more of a special talent or gift felines have. All things considered, we do not always land on our feet, though we have developed a special knack for the skill.
I’ve caught on to another rumor that has been floating around. Humans believe that cats have a distaste for water. I would like to clarify the reason we dislike it is not because we are petty. The real reason is our coats dry very slowly, which can make us cold. Plus, the water weighs us down, and as I have previously stated, felines take pride in our agility. We do not hate water. We just despise coping with water-logged fur.
Do cats really possess nine lives? I admit, I wish this were true. I would then be free to continue my reign at The Animal Den eight times longer. (Sometimes I am concerned as to what will happen when I’m not around to keep my subjects in order.) With great regret I admit that the nine lives theory is completely false and the kind of wishful thinking propagated by cat-lovers far and wide. Because humans have such a difficult time altering their beliefs, I do believe men will continue believing the notion about nine lives for quite a while.
I take my part in dispelling kitty myths seriously; however, supervising at The Animal Den is my passion and I must now return to those responsibilities. At present my subjects are quite busy preparing for an upcoming event called the Puppy Bowl. I’m a bit confused why dogs get their own events. Perhaps because they have been donned “man’s best friend”. I believe that title should be deemed a myth as well. Cats are equally loyal companions.
There are a lot of cats out there writing about human training so I thought I’d spout off a bit about them…
So let’s see. First would be…
Feeding: It has been my experience that if I stand around meowing so loudly it gets on their nerves eventually they figure out I want food. After several weeks of this (humans are incredibly dense, mentally) it only takes one or two special meows for them to get the hint. I know childish and silly but ultimately, effective.
Litter Box: I have found that simply pooping on their clothes is enough to get them to at least check the box and clean it. You might want to hide for a bit after resorting to this as the humans can get pretty mad at you for doing this…
Catnip: I have found that there is no real answer for this one. You have to play and act nice but it rarely if ever works. I have found it easier just to find the stash and raid it myself…
Dogs: It seems no matter how hard I try, humans just don’t get the fact they simply DO NOT NEED A DOG AROUND… So guard yourself; if things get out of hand you can always cause accidents and blame “Fido.” It makes his life as miserable as he makes yours…
Kids: Another nuisance at times, best to just hide from them if they get too physical, hair pulling, tail pulling, etc… a good swat across the nose works wonders. Of course, don’t use your claws for some reason older humans prefer these little ones to you…
The Vet: This is just common sense. You hate being prodded but it is for your health, so just grin and bare it…
Baths: RUN, HIDE, ESCAPE…
Fleas: Scratch to the point it annoys them to see you doing it or just spend time near them. When they start getting bit they catch a clue.
Naptime: Simply find a hideaway under a bed in a closet in the garage and sack out. If you hide well enough you can sleep as much as you want.
This is not an exhaustive list but it is the topics mentioned by cat correspondents most often so take these words of wisdom and run with them.
I am often asked “What do cats think of Thanksgiving?” and I often respond, “Well, of course, we celebrate Thanksgiving, there were cats at the very first Thanksgiving feast. We practically created the holiday.”
Let me explain…
My Great-Grand-cat from way back, Elmer, came across on the Mayflower. He was a Ship’s Mouser (A little-known occupation) he belonged to Christopher Jones the Ship’s Master. After landfall, he decided to check out the local flora and fauna as any good curious cat would have done. In the process, he came across some natives. The natives had never really seen a domesticated cat so they were sort of in awe. Elmer spent several days with the locals before heading back to the settlement. As it happens, a few of the natives followed him back.
When the Pilgrims first encountered the Native Americans, both groups feared each other. The first meeting of the two groups occurred at First Encounter Beach where the Pilgrims were showered with arrows before the Indians took flight. Elmer could not figure out what all the ruckus was about after all they are all merely humans.
There were nights when the Pilgrims could hear the noise of Indian drums; Elmer saw it made them uneasy about their neighbors. The Pilgrims had come to think of the Indians as savages. Again, Elmer wondered why? You didn’t see cats acting like this.
The Wampanoag (also known as the Pokanoket) were the Native American tribe that lived in the region where the Pilgrims landed. At the time the Pilgrims arrived, the tribe was under enormous pressure: nearly three-fourths of its number had been killed by diseases introduced by foreign explorers, and the remaining members were fending off attacks from a neighboring tribe, the Narragansett.
The Pilgrims were also confronting the crisis of survival. Almost half of the new settlers died of scurvy caused by poor nutrition, or of exposure caused by the lack of adequate shelter. With both the Indians and the newcomers struggling to stay alive, the time was ripe for a friendship that could benefit each side.
The Pilgrims’ first winter in America was difficult. They lacked food, and about half of the colonists had died of the “great sickness” during the first terrible winter.
In the spring, an Indian named Samoset entered the Plymouth Colony he was met by Elmer, who introduced himself first and then the Pilgrims. Samoset had been kidnapped by explorers and taken to England where he had learned the language. Samoset was an Abnaki Indian from Maine.
Later he returned with Squanto. Squanto was born about 1585 near what is now known as Plymouth, Massachusetts. He was a Pawtuxet Indian who was captured in 1614 by English seamen and taken to Spain where he was sold as a slave. Squanto escaped to England, where he lived for several years and learned to speak English. Sqaunto had a special place for cats as he lived with one during his time in England. Having been told of Elmer he brought treats of smoked fish to him as a sign of respect.
It was Squanto who would teach the Pilgrims how to find herring, a kind of fish, and to use it as a fertilizer when planting corn, pumpkins and beans. This was especially important to the Pilgrims because the seeds they had brought with them from England did not do well in the New England soil. Squanto also showed them how to find clams and eels in the rivers and how to hunt for deer, bear and turkeys. The children also learned where to find nuts and berries of all kinds.
After the harvest, the pilgrims and natives had a day of thanksgiving. They sat and broke bread and celebrated their blessings. Elmer was given scraps, he was so full they say he slept for three full days. It has been said without the cat exploring and making first contact the story might have been different. The pilgrims might have all perished and the story of Thanksgiving would not be told.
As to modern day Thanksgiving, I require my humans to bring me some turkey. I eat and lay around all day, as they do their thing. I love the idea of Thanksgiving, giving thanks to the Great Feline in the sky for creating us, allowing us to have free agency and dominion over the humans in honor of Him.
You may not know this but one of the busiest times at The Animal Den is Fall Break, while we do have many cats for me to lord over, it is dog chaos during this period. Every time you turn around another dog; Labradors, Malamutes, and Shepherds, Oh My!
It is a good thing we have the Cat Condos to retreat too. The sheer volume of dogs makes life during this period nerve wrecking for me. I do love to see my empire flourishing, though. I love to see my human subjects hustling to take care of our canine clients. They are such animal lovers they do truly enjoy their work, feeding, cleaning, walking, cuddling, etc…
There is one thing which saddens me though, my humans have been leaving and not coming back. Evidently, they have gone on to greener pastures (as if those existed), It does, however, leave some good employment opportunities for quality people (none but the best can be my minions). If you have an interest in working for me go here.
Enough about people and dogs, I’m off to search the trash cans for treats…
You know, being the ruler of The Animal Den can be very taxing. Why just the other day I was somehow accidentally locked in the catnasium with four other cats. Ordinarily, this would end badly for the human at fault, but this time, I let her slide because she is new around here and one cannot be too heavy handed with humans, their egos just can not take it.
Anyway, three of the cats were quite obnoxious, as they are young and wanted to push boundaries, jumping, nipping and generally being a nuisance. The fourth cat was quite attractive. I attempted to start a conversation but she would have none of it, as the younger cats were pestering her as well.
Not being able to engage the lady, I decided to play hide and seek with the youngsters. In the process, I tricked them into various spots where they could be caged, pinned or otherwise contained so I could get a little peace, if not some quiet as well. Though they were contained they were not quiet.
At any rate, I got a few moments of rest after tying up the tykes, this gave me time to plot my escape.
To make my escape, I needed a diversion. I dragged several dishes on top of the cat condo lounge area. I arranged them so with the slightest nudge they would topple making a tremendous racket.
I then set to releasing the youngsters, positioning myself behind the couch, I waited…
Sure enough, they jostled the condo until the bowls fell, scaring them horribly in the process (you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs). As planned the front desk human ran into the catnasium to see what the fuss was about, in that instant when she opened the door, I was free…
I immediately ran into the office area and hid. Knowing they would hunt me down if I didn’t lay low for a bit.
After a short time in hiding, I began a search for dinner. Checking all the trash cans in the office and the bag of dog food proved fruitless, so I wondered out into the front desk area. Much to my chagrin, the same human that “accidentally” locked my in the catnasium to begin with, scooped me up and returned me to the pandemonium.
Yes, the life of a ruling cat is not easy at times, but I’m sure being a human is far, far worse. I must now decide on the appropriate punishment for the new human…
It has been brought to my attention that the strange upright walkers of the people world do not acknowledge the feline reign . Allow me to enlighten you of our dominating traits that mark us supreme and distinguish us from the rest of the population.
Cats have over 100 sounds in their vocal repertoire, while dogs only have 10. (we all know humans cant hear well enough to be considered for this comparison)
We have the skill set that makes us able to learn how to use a toilet, while men of your kind can’t even put down the lid
We start dreaming when we reach a week old, that’s approximately 5 years earlier than homo-sapiens
Cats have the cognitive ability to sense a human’s feelings and overall mood
We came all the way to the America’s from Europe as pest controllers back in the 1760’s, (imagine the infestation you would have without us)
My hearing is better than a dog’s and even better than a human’s
Cats have 300 million neurons; dogs have about 160 million, (argumentatively humans have about 100 billion neurons but we all know thats simply to fill the extra space in the large human head)
In the original Italian version of Cinderella, the benevolent fairy godmother figure was a cat
The richest cat is Blackie who was left £15 million by his owner, Ben Rea (that can buy a lot of catnip)
In Holland’s embassy in Moscow, Russia, the staff noticed that the two Siamese cats kept meowing and clawing at the walls of the building. Their owners finally investigated, thinking they would find mice. Instead, they discovered microphones hidden by Russian spies. The cats heard the microphones when they turned on. Essentially we saved Russia.
Clearly we are a very intelligent complex and superior species. I advise you to acknowledge our dominance of mankind before we retaliate and take over the world!
As most of you already know, I, Romeo the Magnificent, run The Animal Den. The resort staff is well aware that this is my castle and I like to have my way. Despite this simple understanding, my people have tried to undermine me once again. I am very particular and I was not happy to be informed of the unapproved change to Decaf coffee this morning. Alas, I took it upon myself to reclaim my kingdom and enforce the law on my humans. They should not have been surprised by my sudden outburst to shatter this disappointing cup of fowl water. Romeo deserves respect and caffeine he will have.
Unfortunately, all did not result as planned. While I find it completely understandable to destroy this sad excuse for coffee, my resort staff was not too happy with me. I am now being detained behind bars in my own Cat Cottage. My people have turned on me and refuse to set me free. It seems they are attempting to overthrow me. I fear not for I became ruler of this Colony due to my wittiness and resilience. I will escape and regain control of these foolish humans. The Animal Den will soon be under my ruling once again.